All in All

Yes, it’s that time of the year again… Celebrity Big Brother.

I promise that (a) I won’t watch it excessively, and (b) I won’t comment on it excessively, but I will quickly do a summary on my views of the contenders, and those rumoured celebs that didn’t happen.

Jermaine Jackson, brother of Michael, Janet, Tito etc. Apparently he has converted to Islam and is now Muhammed Abdul Aziz. Does that means his son, Jermajesty, can get a more sensible name too? Won’t win, and without someone like Pete Burns there to stir things up is unlikely to be drawn into an argument over his brother.

The disgraced former Miss Great Britain. Obviously in there to claw back any credibility to her reputation which was lost when it was revealed that she had been sleeping with one of the judges for months before the competition. Doesn’t stand a chance, very few people even knew she existed until she was stripped of her title.

A top Bollywood actress. Very pretty young lady indeed. Will make it to the end but won’t win.

A Daily Mirror columnist (apologies for not knowing the names of these last three but although I accept the Bollywood actress is famous in her field, none of them are exactly household names). I fail to see how a journalist can even be classed as a celebrity. One of the first to be evicted.

Ken Russell. He’s 79 and not looking well at all, will he be the first to die in the house? The last film of his I saw was I think ‘Crimes of Passion’, and awful film about Kathleen Turner being a ball-busting exec during the day and an s&m whore at night, and Anthony Perkins as a dodgy priest who she ends up killing with a dildo. I’d love him to win but he won’t.

Leo Sayer. Having a remixed No1 single last year obviously makes him think he’s ready to be comeback king. He won’t be, but maybe they will re-release ‘You make me feel like dancing’ or a greatest hits cd and he can make a few extra bucks.

Jo from S Club 7. Rachel Stevens was the pretty one in the band and had a few successful singles and lots of FHM covers once they split. Jo was the slightly butch one with the decent voice who had no success as a solo artist and returned to Essex to play bingo and breed dogs. This will probably be a brief and final return to the spotlight although I guess she could use it as an audition for any musical going. Possibly get through to the end but not a winner.

Donny Tourette from Towers of London. Doing the Preston from the Ordinary Boys thing of being in a non-descript band so using this to get a bit of publicity which will allow for a single/album to get more sales than it usually would, a quick cash-in UK tour and finally a slot at most of the summer festivals. I know nothing about the band but he looks like a walking cliché and won’t win.

Cleo Roccos. Hasn’t changed a bit in the last 20 years since her Kenny Everett Television Show days. How has she done this? Is it a Dorian Gray thing and there is an aging portrait in her attic? Won’t win.

H from Steps. The day before he went into the house he opened his heart to the Sun newspaper and came out as gay (I note that no-one has said they were surprised at this revelation). Just like Stephen Gately from Boyzone and Mark from Westlife, he chose to tell all to the Sun in a very sympathetic interview. The same Sun newspaper that often makes very homophobic jokes and is generally seen as not that gay friendly. How odd. Surely each of their decisions to tell all to the Sun had nothing to do with a reporter coming to their door to say that they are about to break the story anyway, wouldn’t you prefer to be in control of it and do it through an exclusive sympathetic interview instead of an expose? Stands a decent chance of being final 3.

Dirk Benedict. Face from the A-Team. Starbuck from the original Battlestar Galactica. Not aging well. Probably Final 3.

Will it reach the heights of last year, with George Galloway, Pete Burns, Barrymore, Chantelle & Preston, Jody Whore? I doubt it.

Why couldn’t they get Justin Hawkins from the Darkness as rumoured? Or that funny Lauren Harries obnoxious child/transsexual? Or Marilyn? Yes, why not Marilyn, I’m sure he could do with the money and exposure.